Dating Online and Your Mental Health
Dating online has become an increasingly popular way for people to look for romantic connections and there are many pros to looking for love on the internet, especially during a pandemic. What we may neglect to think about as we swipe right and left, however, is the effect of dating apps on the brain and over-all mental well being. Studies have shown that social media can lead to higher rates of depression, and it is thought that this translates to dating sites as well. In fact as I write this I am distracted by my own dating site apps, and let me tell you folks, it is depressing. If you go back and forth between deleting and re-downloading dating apps, think about these 5 things before you head to your app store.
1. Distraction from a Real Connection
Have you ever been to dinner or at an event with someone who cannot stop checking their phone to save their life? Think about how that makes you feel. Invisible, right? Well that my friends is what you are doing to yourself everytime you choose to logon to an app as opposed to enjoying a moment of silence and time with yourself. There is nothing stating that misery has to accompany you in Single Town, so why not enjoy exploring what makes you great! You could even start “dating” yourself, because at the end of the day you should be your own best friend.
2. False Affirmations
Everyone loves getting compliments and knowing that people like them. It’s in our blood as humans to crave affirming words from outside sources. That is why it is helpful to even do daily affirmations in the mirror to be your own hype woman or man. But where you should not get your affirmations from is tinder, honey. The likes and even superlikes you may get on a dating site are not based on a ton of information. You and all your glory cannot be summed up in 5 pictures and 150 words that people don’t even read anyways. There are so many reasons to love yourself and your tinder profile is not one of them. Research shows that we like social media for the dopamine or the high it gives us, but what happens when the low kicks in because we feel like we aren’t getting enough likes or messages? Instead maybe make a list of 10 things you love about yourself and if you want ask a close friend to help you out. This will be much more rewarding and you will feel a lot better.
3. Daily Rejection
I have not met anyone who enjoys rejection. So why on earth would you force yourself to be rejected every day? Yes dating in real life leads to rejection as well, but it is not as bombarding as it is in the online world. Online, everyone swipes left and right without paying much attention and that leaves people feeling down because they didn’t match with someone they wanted to or even worse they got *ghosted* (if you do not know what ghosting is, please see urban dictionary’s definition). Studies show that the randomness of social media, and in this case dating apps is why we as humans become addicted to them; we end up losing a lot but there are random nuggets of joy where we win. I would argue that this is not reason enough to glue yourself to your phone for the satisfaction of someone liking or messaging you. The dopamine will wear off eventually and then you’ll find yourself looking for more, which just creates a vicious cycle of never being satiated.
4. Dangerous Situations
When dating in the online world, there are real risks that you have to be careful of. Not knowing who a person truly is, being catfished or otherwise scammed, and depending on the choices you make, health risks such as STDs are all terrifying possibilities when you open your life up to somsone from the internet. Anyone can pose as someone safe and fun to get to know and then, let’s be real, they could be an axe murderer. In all seriousness though, one study found that people who hooked up with strangers from online were more likely to be put into dangerous sexual situations as well as environments with drugs or other risky behaviors. When we find ourselves in these types of situations our cortisol levels naturally increase and we end up feeling more anxious and on edge. If you are going to date online, choose to meet up with someone in a public place until you really know them well. Situations that are dangerous for your physical health are dangerous for your mental health as well.
5. No Respect for Boundaries
In the world of online dating, anyone can send any sort of message, offensive or not, with no real consequences for their actions. This can include racist, sexist, homophobic or harassing messages that can be damaging to our psyche. Furthermore, according to the Pew Research Center, 57% of females who have used online dating state that they have received an explicit sexual image that they did not ask for. When we feel like our boundaries are not respected, it can make us feel down and even depressed. Similar to the previous point about safety, people have been found to have received physical threats when they have expressed their disinterest in a match online. Given how common of an occurance this is, it is no wonder that online dating is exhausting and disheartening.
This article isn’t to argue that dating online should be banned or that Tinder and other apps like it should never be downloaded. It is, however, aimed to help you think about how dating online affects your mental health and to minimize the role it plays in your life. There is so much more to life than swiping left and right and waiting for the validation of others to make you feel good. Your mental health is important and you should treat it as such.
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Anderson, Monica, and Emily A. Vogels. “Young Women Often Face Sexual Harassment Online — Including on Dating Sites and Apps.” Pew Research Center, Pew Research Center, 25 Aug. 2020, www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/03/06/young-women-often-face-sexual-harassment-online-including-on-dating-sites-and-apps/.
Bonilla-Zorita, G., Griffiths, M.D. & Kuss, D.J. Online Dating and Problematic Use: A Systematic Review. Int J Ment Health Addiction (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-020-00318-9
McLean Hospital. “The Social Dilemma: Social Media and Your Mental Health.” Here’s How Social Media Affects Your Mental Health | McLean Hospital, McLean Hospital, 16 Dec. 2020, www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/it-or-not-social-medias-affecting-your-mental-health.
